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Essence of [Name] – Personalised Insult Candle | Hints of Desperation & Regret

Essence of [Name] – Personalised Insult Candle | Hints of Desperation & Regret

£22.99 GBP
£22.99 GBP
⚡️ Lightning Sale ⚡️ Sold out
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An insult that smells way better than it sounds.

The Essence of [Insert Name Here] is a personalised insult candle that lets you roast someone’s very existence and gift them a genuinely great-smelling, high-quality candle. Think luxury vibes… if luxury had a grudge.

Choose their signature scent:

  • Calm – because their drama needs chilling
  • Bergamot & Oud – rich, warm, hides the chaos beautifully
  • Peach – sweet, soft, like that lie they told in 2018

Each candle comes with the proud tagline “Hints of Desperation & Regret” — printed in bold, designer-style lettering — so they’ll know exactly where they stand with you. It’s perfect for birthdays, Secret Santa, office banter, or just a casual “F*** you” disguised as a thoughtful gift.

Why it’s funny and fabulous:

  • Personalise with any name, from your BFF to your boss
  • Made with premium soy wax for a clean, even burn
  • Hand-poured in the UK for top-notch quality
  • Long-lasting scent throw (so the roast lingers)
  • Works as a roast, a prank, or just light-hearted revenge

This is more than a custom gag gift - it’s a genuinely nice custom candle they’ll reluctantly love. A perfect balance of petty and premium.

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How It Works

Once you’ve placed your order, we’ll email you a confirmation that includes a link to your roast questionnaire.

  • Tell Us About Your Victim

    Fill out our quick form sent to you via email with as many juicy details as you like.

  • We Write the Roast of Their Life

    Our Roastmasters craft a brutal, hilarious, one-of-a-kind book just for them.

  • We Print It and Ship It

    We package their humiliation into a premium book and deliver it straight to their door!
Learn More

Want To Know What You'll Be Asked?

Check out the Questionnaire page for a complete rundown of the questions included in the form you'll be sent.

See Questions

Roasts of the week:

  • “You bring the kind of energy that makes people check their watches.”

  • “You’re like a software bug that no one bothers fixing.”

  • “You peaked in the womb.”

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Every Custom Roast Book is packed with 60-80 brutal, handcrafted jokes based on your inside info.

MediumSavage

You choose how hard we go.

You could buy socks. You could buy aftershave. Or you could destroy their soul for the same price.

The perfect gift for your Dad, boss, estranged family member, anyone!

START ROASTING

Multimedia collage

Book titled 'The Roast of Big Stu' with a yellow cover

Every Custom Roast Book is handcrafted by real human writers — with a little help from our custom-built RoastBot™ AI.

We’ve developed a unique roasting algorithm trained to spot weaknesses, exaggerate personality quirks, and turn ordinary facts into punchline gold. But don’t worry, the AI doesn’t run wild.

Every book is created, reviewed, edited, and perfected by our savage human writing team to make sure the humour hits, the tone lands, and the roast is actually funny (not just robotic nonsense).

Why Roast?

Because "Happy Birthday" cards are for pussies

Fully Custom Roasts

Every joke is handcrafted just for your victim. No boring templates, no mercy.

Premium Printed Books

Beautifully bound, professionally printed, insult-packed masterpieces — not some flimsy PDF.

Free UK Shipping

Your roast gets delivered straight to their door — fast, furious, and postage-paid.

Funny, innit.

We’re not just savage — we’re savagely good.

START YOUR ROAST

FAQ's

What is a Custom Roast Book?

A Custom Roast Book is a one-of-a-kind, personalised roast turned into a professionally printed book.

You tell us who the victim is, give us the inside scoop, and we transform it into 60–80 brutal, hilarious, tailor-made roast jokes. Then we print it, bind it, and ship it directly to their (or your) door.

How does the ordering process work?

  1. Place your order.
  2. Once you check out, you’ll receive an order confirmation email with a link to your Roast Form.
  3. Fill out the form with as many juicy details as you can (or as few — we’ve got backup jokes).
  4. Our team roasts them to perfection.
  5. We print the book and ship it straight to you.

What kind of info do you ask for in the form?

We’ll ask about their name, age, job, hobbies, weird habits, legendary stories, and anything else worth mocking.

The form is quick and fun, and you don’t have to answer everything. The more you give us, the better the roast.

What’s the difference between Standard and Premium?

  • Standard Roast Book: Softcover (paperback), high-quality, durable print, perfect for laughs on a budget.
  • Premium Roast Book: Hardcover, matte finish, sleek and sturdy, a roast worthy of display (or long-term trauma).

    The content inside is the same; it’s just the packaging that changes.

How savage are we talking?

You get to choose the level of pain:

🧁 Mild: Playful teasing. Safe for work, family, and sensitive egos.

🔥 Medium: Biting sarcasm and sharp digs. Not too harsh, not too soft.

🔥🔥 Savage: Ruthless. No filter. Full ego destruction. You've been warned.

How long does it take?

  • Roast writing: 1–3 business days
  • Printing & shipping (UK only): 9–12 business days

Total turnaround: usually within 2 weeks from the day you submit your roast form.

Do you ship outside the UK?

Not yet. Right now we only ship within the UK; but we’re working on international delivery. Sign up to our newsletter to be notified when that changes.

Can I return it?

Because every book is completely custom-written and printed to order, we don’t accept returns for change of mind.

However — if your book arrives damaged, or you’re genuinely unhappy with it, get in touch within 30 days and we’ll make it right.

Check out our Returns Policy for the full details.

What if I don’t give you much info?

That’s totally fine; we’ve got a stockpile of 100+ handcrafted general roast jokes ready to drop in.

But the more personal details you provide, the more brutal (and hilarious) your book will be.

Do you use AI?

Yes — but not the soulless kind.

We use a custom AI roasting tool to help generate and shape the jokes, but every book is reviewed and edited by a real human to make sure it’s sharp, funny, and actually makes sense.

AI helps us write faster. Humans make it sting.

What does the book actually look like?

Every book includes:

  • A custom cover
  • 60–80 savage jokes tailored to your victim
  • A funny intro and outro
  • High-quality printing (standard or hardcover)

It’s a gift they’ll never forget — or forgive.