200 Roast Jokes
Want to know what you’re signing someone up for?
Custom Roast Book turns your inside gossip and cheeky banter into a professionally printed, personalised roast gift.
Here’s a preview: 200 of the most savage, stupid, and downright brutal roast jokes we’ve ever written.
Think of this as a sample platter of pain.
You peaked in Year 9 and it shows.
You bring people together… mostly to complain about you.
You’ve got “Bluetooth still searching” energy.
Even autocorrect gave up on you.
You run like the WiFi at your nan’s house.
You’re the human version of a 404 error.
You move like your controller disconnected.
Your confidence is impressive for someone so consistently wrong.
You’re what happens when bad luck meets bad choices.
Your fashion sense is on permanent vacation.
Your peak athleticism was tripping over air.
You were born to keep the average down.
You’ve been buffering since 2015.
You’ve got the hustle of a sloth on holiday.
You couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
You treat deadlines like vague suggestions.
Your lucky number must be “last place.”
You’re the prototype for disappointment.
You’ve been on mute since 2014.
You miss more red flags than a FIFA referee.
You exist to make others feel better about themselves.
You have two speeds: slow and stop.
You talk in “skip ad” energy.
You’ve got more alarms set than achievements unlocked.
Your attention span expired during this sentence.
You bring the same energy as a flat fizzy drink.
You live life like it’s still a tutorial.
You’ve turned procrastination into a lifestyle brand.
You were late to the concept of punctuality.
Your commitment issues have commitment issues.
You’re the human version of an unskippable ad.
Your achievements fit comfortably on a Post-it note.
You confuse confidence with competence.
You’ve never been the main character… even in your own dreams.
Your presence makes WiFi drop.
You’ve got the charisma of a damp sponge.
You’ve managed to disappoint people you haven’t even met.
You’re “permanently out of office” energy.
You exist in permanent snooze mode.
Your fashion choices deserve an apology.
You hold grudges like a toddler holds crayons.
You missed the memo… every memo.
You’re the “before” photo in a self-help book.
Your best quality is still under development.
You’ve been ghosted by your own ambition.
You think “fashionably late” applies to life goals.
You treat “Reply All” like a personal challenge.
You’ve got more flags than the UN.
You were late even to being born.
You fail the “are you a robot?” test.
If you’re already laughing… just imagine what we’ll do when you tell us the real dirt.
You’ve got more opinions than qualifications.
You treat effort like a foreign concept.
You run on vibes and bad judgement.
Your life advice should be filed under “Do Not Follow.”
Your idea of multitasking is failing at two things at once.
You think “password123” is clever.
You’ve been typing “…” for years.
Your vibe is “Bluetooth searching.”
You confuse activity with productivity.
You treat “estimated arrival” as optional.
You’re living proof natural selection isn’t finished.
You failed at failing.
Your spirit animal is a shopping trolley with a broken wheel.
You’ve got big “I peaked at school sports day” energy.
Even mirrors avoid reflecting you.
Your self-awareness is buffering.
You’ve turned “bare minimum” into an art form.
You talk like life’s still on hold music.
You’ve never seen a red flag you didn’t ignore.
You’re still searching for a clue.
You’ve got more delays than a budget airline.
You were “that kid” in every group project.
You have more excuses than achievements.
You can’t even ghost properly.
Your idea of a growth plan is buying bigger clothes.
You skipped “common sense” day at life school.
Your dog walks you.
You treat responsibility like a hot potato.
You move like a broken GPS.
Your ambition filed for early retirement.
You mistake “loud” for “funny.”
You’re the reason group chats go silent.
You have the hustle of a hungover koala.
You run like Windows 95 on dial-up.
Your career plan looks like a toddler’s drawing.
You’ve got the subtlety of a foghorn.
You’re the human embodiment of lag.
You’ve got the self-control of a golden retriever with snacks.
You missed more deadlines than a budget airline.
You’ve got all the gear… and no idea.
Your memory lasts as long as Snapchat streaks.
You’ve got “future me’s problem” energy.
You’re the human equivalent of waiting for paint to dry.
You have as much rhythm as a printer jam.
You think the bare minimum is a lifestyle choice.
You’ve got more bags than a baggage claim.
You bring Excel energy to a party.
You treat advice like pop-up ads.
You have the timing of a broken clock.
Your lucky charm is clearly broken.
Give them the book they never asked for, and will never forget.
You’re the mascot for missed opportunities.
You treat “pending” as a permanent state.
Your sense of urgency is non-existent.
You think “early” means within the same week.
You have the attention span of a goldfish on espresso.
Your internal compass points to “lost.”
You reply “lol” to everything.
You live life like it’s still a group assignment.
You’ve got more doubts than votes.
Your middle name must be “delay.”
You mistake sarcasm for personality.
You move at the speed of eventually.
You’ve got strong “I forgot my homework” energy.
You miss calls, texts, and the point.
You exist in draft mode.
You procrastinate like it’s a profession.
You treat “maybe later” as a life motto.
You’re the poster child for low battery mode.
You were the inspiration for autocorrect fails.
You’ve never met a plan you didn’t ignore.
You can’t even ghost people properly.
You treat reminders like suggestions.
You make “bare minimum” look like overachieving.
You have more missed calls than connections.
You have the planning skills of a tornado.
You’ve turned “I’ll do it later” into a lifestyle.
You think “multitasking” means opening two tabs and staring.
You’ve got the memory of a Snapchat message.
You act like WiFi solves everything.
You’re more lost than your car keys.
You live life on airplane mode.
Your goals are permanently “under construction.”
You ghost people by accident and on purpose.
You’re the real reason there’s a mute button.
Your backup plans need backup plans.
You’ve never met an “urgent” that didn’t wait.
You missed the tutorial… and the memo.
You make “delay” look intentional.
You treat calendars as decoration.
You’ve got “brb” energy permanently.
Your life soundtrack is elevator music.
You have a PHD in overthinking.
You’re the poster child for Ctrl+Z.
You procrastinate at a professional level.
You were voted “most likely to be forgotten at the party.”
You’ve mastered the art of doing nothing.
You’ve got the vibe of a paused YouTube ad.
You exist to lower expectations.
You’re what happens when no plan meets bad timing.
You’re the unsubscribe button of conversations.
You reply “lol” instead of fixing anything.
You think “reply later” means “never.”
You bring Excel to a water fight.
You’re still buffering in real life.
You’re the cliffhanger of every conversation.
You’ve got more missed deadlines than ideas.
You mistake chaos for creativity.
You treat failure as a warm-up.
You’re the champion of “almost.”
You never finish what you…
Your best plan is no plan.
You think “ASAP” means “when I feel like it.”
You skip steps and still trip.
You ghost yourself.
You treat “goals” like WiFi signals—weak and unreliable.
You’ve mastered the “just one more episode” excuse.
You exist to test patience.
You’ve never met a deadline you respected.
You’re the pilot of the procrastination plane.
You live by the motto “good enough.”
You have the memory of an unplugged Alexa.
You reply “ok” just to avoid commitment.
You consider “I’ll think about it” a decision.
You’re permanently “loading.”
You ghost plans before they exist.
You treat choices like choose-your-own disasters.
You have a PhD in “meh.”
You thrive under last-minute panic.
You dodge responsibility like it’s dodgeball.
You never meet expectations because you refuse to RSVP.
You confuse luck with strategy.
You reply “who dis?” to your own plans.
You leave group chats on read.
You treat timelines like myths.
You’ve never RSVP’d to life.
You skip tutorials and then complain.
You missed life’s user manual.
You move like your GPS lost signal.
You ghost responsibilities.
You’ve never been early to anything.
You overpromise and underdeliver consistently.
You live on snooze mode.
You think WiFi solves everything.
You’re the real-life loading icon.
You turn “pending” into a lifestyle.
You exist in the grey area.
You’re the beta version of yourself.
You live life as an unanswered notification.
You confuse absence with mystery.
You’ve got “delay delivery” energy.
How It Works
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Tell Us About Your Victim
Fill out our quick form sent to you via email with as many juicy details as you like.
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We Write the Roast of Their Life
Our Roastmasters craft a brutal, hilarious, one-of-a-kind book just for them.
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We Print It and Ship It
We package their humiliation into a premium book and deliver it straight to their door!
FAQ's
What is a Custom Roast Book?
A Custom Roast Book is a one-of-a-kind, personalised roast turned into a professionally printed book.
You tell us who the victim is, give us the inside scoop, and we transform it into 60–80 brutal, hilarious, tailor-made roast jokes. Then we print it, bind it, and ship it directly to their (or your) door.
How does the ordering process work?
- Place your order.
- Once you check out, you’ll receive an order confirmation email with a link to your Roast Form.
- Fill out the form with as many juicy details as you can (or as few — we’ve got backup jokes).
- Our team roasts them to perfection.
- We print the book and ship it straight to you.
What kind of info do you ask for in the form?
We’ll ask about their name, age, job, hobbies, weird habits, legendary stories, and anything else worth mocking.
The form is quick and fun, and you don’t have to answer everything. The more you give us, the better the roast.
What’s the difference between Standard and Premium?
- Standard Roast Book: Softcover (paperback), high-quality, durable print, perfect for laughs on a budget.
- Premium Roast Book: Hardcover, matte finish, sleek and sturdy, a roast worthy of display (or long-term trauma).
The content inside is the same; it’s just the packaging that changes.
How savage are we talking?
You get to choose the level of pain:
🧁 Mild: Playful teasing. Safe for work, family, and sensitive egos.
🔥 Medium: Biting sarcasm and sharp digs. Not too harsh, not too soft.
🔥🔥 Savage: Ruthless. No filter. Full ego destruction. You've been warned.
How long does it take?
- Roast writing: 1–3 business days
- Printing & shipping (UK only): 9–12 business days
Total turnaround: usually within 2 weeks from the day you submit your roast form.
Do you ship outside the UK?
Not yet. Right now we only ship within the UK; but we’re working on international delivery. Sign up to our newsletter to be notified when that changes.
Can I return it?
Because every book is completely custom-written and printed to order, we don’t accept returns for change of mind.
However — if your book arrives damaged, or you’re genuinely unhappy with it, get in touch within 30 days and we’ll make it right.
Check out our Returns Policy for the full details.
What if I don’t give you much info?
That’s totally fine; we’ve got a stockpile of 100+ handcrafted general roast jokes ready to drop in.
But the more personal details you provide, the more brutal (and hilarious) your book will be.
Do you use AI?
Yes — but not the soulless kind.
We use a custom AI roasting tool to help generate and shape the jokes, but every book is reviewed and edited by a real human to make sure it’s sharp, funny, and actually makes sense.
AI helps us write faster. Humans make it sting.
What does the book actually look like?
Every book includes:
- A custom cover
- 60–80 savage jokes tailored to your victim
- A funny intro and outro
- High-quality printing (standard or hardcover)
It’s a gift they’ll never forget — or forgive.
Give them the book they never asked for, and will never forget.